look for the "loving action"

When you are in conflict with a partner, there are only two possible intentions: you either intend to protect yourself from hurt feelings or you intend to learn and grow from the experience. The difference between the two approaches can be the difference between successful conflict resolution and failure.

"We only have these two intentions at any given moment," said Dr. Margaret Paul, a best-selling author, speaker and relationship expert. "We either try to control the other person, and get them to treat us the way we want to be treated, or we take responsibility for our own feelings."

If your only intent during a relationship conflict is to get your way, the final outcome may include a winner and a loser. A better way is to discover the highest good for yourself in a given situation, Paul said. Then, you can take a "loving action" for yourself that creates peace, joy, and a deep sense of safety within a relationship.

This approach, called "Inner Bonding," was co-devised in 1988 by Paul and Dr. Erika Chopich. Since then, Inner Bonding has helped thousands of people around the world to improve their relationships as well as build a strong sense of self.

There are six steps to the Inner Bonding process. It is important to note that this is a process we go through within ourselves, not with our partner. However, moving through the process may provide a solution to a conflict between two people. Here is a real world example, which uses the Inner Bonding process as a roadmap for dealing with conflict.

Example Conflict

A couple wants to attend an event together. During planning, it is discovered that one partner (the night owl) wants to stay late, and the other partner (the early bird) wants to leave early. An argument ensues. If both of them leave early or if both of them leave late, one partner might have to give up his/her true self. This outcome can create a winner and a loser, and bring with it feelings of resentment. In this example case, the partner who wants to leave the event early will use the inner bonding process to resolve her conflict.

Step One: Willingness to Feel Pain and Take Responsibility for our Feelings
(I know I'm angry in general, but what emotions am I actually feeling?)

The early bird has lashed out in anger at the night owl, and is ignoring the real emotions at play, in this case rejection and hurt feelings. The early bird needs to pinpoint what it is she is actually feeling.

"Some people have a hard time knowing what they are feeling," Paul said. "Many people don't realize that under anger is often fear, hurt, sadness or loneliness."

Step Two: Moving into the Intent to Learn
(I'm making a conscious decision to learn what I am doing or thinking that is causing
these feelings)

The early bird decides to open up to learning about what she is telling herself that may be causing the painful feelings. She decides that she has a choice about how to feel and react in this situation. Instead of blaming the night owl, she decides to accept responsibility for these feelings.

"We accept that our feelings are coming from our thoughts and our behavior," Paul said. "What am I doing or thinking that is causing me to feel this way?"

Step Three: Dialoguing with our Wounded self and Core Self
(Now that I have accepted responsibility for what I am feeling, I explore the beliefs that are causing the pain)

The early bird dialogues with her feelings and discovers that she is telling herself that if the night owl doesn't want to come home early with her, it means that she is not important to him. She is taking his behavior personally, believing that his actions are about her inadequacy. It is these false beliefs about how he feels about her and her own adequacy that are causing her painful feelings - not his wanting to stay later.

The early bird might also discover something about intention. Is he/she using the hurt feelings and anger to try to control the other person through guilt or a forced sense of obligation? Is the argument not about what is best for each person, but about what the early bird wants from the night owl?

"When your intention is to take responsibility for yourself," Paul said. "Then you open to learning about what it means to be loving to yourself regarding your beliefs and actions."

Step Four: Dialoguing with our Higher Guidance
(I have discovered the false beliefs that are causing my painful feelings. Now I want to discover the truth about my feelings, and will create a plan of loving action.)

When the early bird opens to inner guidance, she discovers that the night owl's behavior is not about her. The real cause of hurt feelings in this situation may be her uneasiness about being by herself, or a false sense of rejection and inadequacy.

She will also discover the loving action toward herself. The action may or may not resolve the conflict between the two partners, but it will likely resolve the conflict within her.

"You need to ask, 'What is the loving action here?'" Paul said. "Then you need to be quiet, stop blaming, and let the answers come."

The early bird discovers that the loving action for her is to agree to take separate cars, but that she wants to walk into the event together. She also discovers that she will feel much better if she apologizes for getting angry and taking his behavior personally.

Step Five: Taking Loving Action
(I'm going to take action for my own highest good)

The early bird takes the loving action by discussing the situation with the night owl and by apologizing to him for her anger. She also shares with him her discoveries about herself and her false beliefs.

Step Six: Evaluating Our Action(I made a decision and took an action, how did it go?)
There can be several outcomes to the action that the early bird decided to take. But the action shouldn't be judged on the outcome of the conflict between the two partners.

It should be judged on how the early bird feels. The early bird tunes in to her feelings and discovers that she feels much better about herself and much closer to the night owl.

"If we are feeling calmer, safer, and more empowered," Paul said, "then we took the loving action."

As for the night owl, if he was hurt by the early bird's initial anger, then he would need to go through his own Inner Bonding process to discover what he was telling himself that was causing this pain (for example, he might be telling himself that he is responsible for the early bird's feelings and that he is selfish if he wants to stay later). He would then need to look for the truth and his own loving action as well.